I accidentally had phone sex last night
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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