You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
