Just fell off a train. Bad.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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