THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
