I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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