my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
ttyl tear gas
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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