Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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