If that was your dad, he is hot
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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