When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
