An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
you inspire me to be a worse person
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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