I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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