Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
