I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
