Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
