Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
