apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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