Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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