things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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