grandma shit on top of the toilet
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
