I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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