I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
They have beer where we have blood.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
