I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He better not be in your backpack
My vagina is officially offended.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
