why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Randomize
