she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
