dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
