i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
