I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
