My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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