I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
