I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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