I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
