party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
