y did u give ur computer a hand job?
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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