Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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