I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
