If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
