whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
