Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
the liver wants what the liver wants
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
