and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
