Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
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he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
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I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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