he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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