Porn is love you can see.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Bring me that man meat
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
