I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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