When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
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Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
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I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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