I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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