hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
