You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
