mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
