i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
