I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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