sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
