dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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