your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
