Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Your cock deserves a montage
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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